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Cultivating Presence In The Touch Relationship

Posted by Irene Smith on August 11, 2011 at 6:30pm


Touch is our organic language; therefore you would assume that touch is an easy communication. There are however, very challenging aspects to being fully present with the touch component to caregiving.

Although touch is our original communication, we are taught, as soon as possible, verbal language to replace touch and at the same time taught many conditions about the negative use of touching. It seems that during various stages of our development we learn more reasons why not to use touch than positive reinforcement for it’s value in our lives.

As professionals we learn that boundaries are primary to the professional relationship and learn the caution of becoming intimately involved with those who seek our care and counsel. We learn not to become emotionally involved.

As a care provider we are touching those in our care during vulnerable times. The heart is exposed. The core factor in the act of touching is the bonding that takes place; the connection between two beings. This connection coupled with the vulnerable heart is an emotional place. Touch elicits emotion. To be fully present to the touch experience elicits our momentary emotional involvement, To separate from this feeling does not allow us to be fully present and authentic.

We as caregivers, have a double jeopardy when it comes to being fully present to this emotional bond during touch interactions. We have our early learned cautions about touching; some healthy and some unhealthy, and we have our professional boundaries. How then do we bring ourselves fully into the touching aspect of our caregiving relationships? How do we allow our heart to be present?

Being present in my touch relationships with clients requires me to be receptive not only to my clients experience but to my experience as well. When my heart is fully present so is love. When I feel love I also feel the conditions I’ve been taught about loving and about feeling love as a professional. If I am going to keep my heart available then I have to be open to all the feelings I am experiencing. Sometimes I feel shame, sometimes embarrassment about feeling love. I can’t hide from these aspects of myself because I will be closing down to my experience. When I close down to my own experience I am no longer whole.

So , what to do? I try and observe what is going on inside of me and witness it with compassion.

 I feel my grounding....my feet on the floor. I feel my center... breath in my belly and I exhale fully. I try and allow my body to be as comfortable as possible and feel the body that I am touching. I bring myself back to the  texture and form and temperature of the body I am touching. This grounding will sometimes allow me to discern between old information and current experience and allow me to respond from current information in the current moment.

Three components of Therapeutic Presence as described by Bugenthal[1987] are;
Being open and present to all parts of the client experience
Being open to all of one’s own experience as one is with the client
Being able to respond from the immediacy of that experience.[authentic]

Being authentic requires deep trust. I have to trust what I feel in my heart, what I sense through my body and trust my ability to assess clearly from this current information. I also have to trust that the person I am touching will receive my touch in the wisdom in which it is delivered, and with eyes open, I have to trust in the moment. Cultivating trust is the way to cultivating presence in the touch relationship.
                                                  
 

           Irene Smith www.everflowing.org



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Comments

  • Eileen Sesko August 22, 2011 at 9:12am
    As caregives we sometimes forget that doing something for or to a client is different that doing with the client, being side by side with them on the true level of trust and and being full present with them.  Letting go of our fears and inhibutions and taking the step to be fully compassionate 
  • Irene Smith August 14, 2011 at 7:11pm

    Absolutely!Greg. I appreciate you taking this a layer deeper. Realizing we are all one opens our heart to include us.

    Receiving...allowing ourselves to be touched. The vulnerability goes both ways. When we are serving rather than partnering we are holding ourselves separate.We are not fully present. This is when I am not nurtured in return. I Amen this as well Francis. Thank you for this

  • Frances Shani Parker August 14, 2011 at 10:09am
    Amen. It's not about being a savior for others. It's a partnership. When service is done right, it's always win-win.
  • Greg Schneider August 14, 2011 at 8:59am

    Thanks for this informative post Irene.  What stood out for me is that I think as caregivers, we tend not to include ourselves in the "receiving" experience.  Sitting and offering touch to someone is part of our "giving" role, the primary focus of the caregiving experience.  By allowing ourselves to be equally part of the experience we can then permit ourselves to connect fully with those that we serve.

    By doing so we can also be aware of the mirror effect, the reflection of ourselves in others, permitting us to fully realize that we are more alike than different, deepening the touch experience.

  • Irene Smith August 13, 2011 at 3:21pm
    I love the clarity in your summary of skills. Absolutely ...coming back to the body. So important in our emotionally vulnerable service. Thank you for sharing.
  • Elizabeth Holliday August 13, 2011 at 9:13am
    Thank you for this great post. I'm inspired by your discussion of the practice you keep close: the grounding, the re-focusing on the person your working with, and the discernment that follows. This gives me the impression of a re-set button. What an essential, helpful, practical skill, to provide assistance to one's own heart-mind to sort things out, and come into the present with more clarity, and authenticity. Wow. Thank you for teaching!
  • Irene Smith August 11, 2011 at 9:51pm
    Yes. Intimacy and the feelings it elicits can be complicated in the touch relationship. Trusting that intimacy, pleasure, and love are appropriate feelings in a professional role is a delicate process of many layers of trust. It's sad that unconditional love is buried beneath the concepts and conditions we have been taught. I personally didn't just fall into unconditional love I had to wade through the grey areas first. what i learned love meant. this took a few years to wade through. this is a topic that professionals have a hard time discussing. For me the complications are enhanced through silence.
  • Frances Shani Parker August 11, 2011 at 9:15pm
    That is very interesting and much more complicated than I had thought regarding the trust factor, Irene.
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