Recently I had the opportunity of facilitating an inservice for Maitri Aids Residential Care nurses. The inservice was on Comforting and each nurse brought their own special way of comforting into the room. Witnessing them sharing their personal comforting strategies and comforting each other with touch, triggered a deep conversation within me on the topic of comforting.
I realize that my mission in life is to comfort. It seems no matter where I am I am seeking comfort, whether it is to comfort another or to receive comfort. I also realize that comforting another gives me a sense of comfort.
Today my first client in the nursing home had a difficult time integrating my presence and it was more difficult than usual for him to sit up and get into the chair. He wanted to focus on me but his eyes couldn’t. Turning off the TV is usually the first thing he does, however today he didn’t turn it off.
As he was struggling to focus on me, the TV caught his attention and he started to watch it. I was going to suggest we turn it off however, I noticed that he was using it as a focusing tool. I then noticed his anxiety start to calm. The TV was bringing him a sense of comfort.
As the session progressed I couldn’t help but hear the very dramatic dialogue on the soap opera. Every few minutes my client and I would have non verbal communication with eye contact and facial animation in regards to what had just been said. The communication between us became easy, and intimate, and a different level of bonding took place. I noticed that the family like intimacy was very comforting to both of us.
What I usually viewed as a limitation had become a tool for comforting for both my client and myself. I left feeling easy and nurtured.
As I got to the elevator I heard loud vocalizing coming from another floor in the community and recognized it as one of my clients in seeming distress.
I wasn’t scheduled to see this client and got on the elevator to go to the lobby and leave. I heard the vocalizing in the elevator as I went to the lobby and continued to hear it as I was signing out. My thoughts were strong. I was on my way home. It wasn’t my day to see her. I paused. I made a choice, not as a massage therapist but as a human being, wanting to comfort a person in distress.
As I arrived upstairs, I saw my client in her wheel chair facing the window . She was expressing herself through loud tones, which is her only way of communicating.
As she continued to express herself, I sat down beside her, said a few words, reached out, and laid my hand on her shoulder looking at her, although her eyes were closed. Each time she was going to vocalize her forehead became a bit flushed. I continued to touch her.
Then I cupped the back of her head with my hand and cradled it like you would a baby’s head.
A passer by might have thought I was a family member. We sat this way a few minutes.
Continuing to look at her and just breathe, I laid my hand on her forearm and shoulder. We sat quietly for about 15 minutes before she seemed to drift into sleep. I left.
I realize I was not with my client as a massage therapist. I had answered a call of the heart to comfort a being in distress. This is how it used to be for me. This is the place that brought me into this field. This is the connection to humanity that I want to check in with in my practice. This is where the comfort lies for me.
In both of these sessions I reached past the massage session boundaries into a deeper sense of connectedness. I chose to be a comforter.
How do we as practitioners integrate this deeper human need into our practice. How do we stay connected to our humanity. No right, no wrong; just something to notice.
I would love to hear your comforting experiences and your strategies for integrating your deeper needs into your practice.
Blessings
Irene Smith www.everflowing.org
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Comments
Thanks Irene!
I love this beautiful testimony to the power of patiently connecting with another human being. I also want to honor your authenticity in singing.This gives me a wonderful vision of innocence and non judgement passing between the two of you sitting under a brightly colored arch. You gifting this client with a rainbow is precious and I am so glad you had the gift of seeing how deeply that rainbow connected. Thank you for sharing this.
Irene that was just lovely. I thought I'd share a story from a recent visit too. I was visiting a patient who has dementia, and for the most part is non-verbal - although she calls out "Ma-ma ... ma-ma ..." for sometimes hours. Sometimes she is quiet when she calls out - other times she is quite loud. She often has a look of fear or concern on her face. This was getting a bit distracting for the staff and other patients on her floor. This was my first visit with the patient. I held her hand, sometimes gently stroking it and her arm. I looked into her eyes softly. I said, "I'm here" "It's OK" "I'm here". Then I thought maybe singing would help, but no song was coming to mind, until for some reason the song that comforted my baby boy (24 years ago) popped into my head "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." I started it quietly, looking into her eyes. She would stop calling out, briefly to listen, but then call out again "Ma ma". I would stop singing. When she was quiet again, I would start singing, but she would again call out "Ma ma". We went on like this - back and forth for a few minutes. Then I just stopped, I held her hand, but looked down, and not into her eyes. Then she said quietly "Sing ... Rainbow" I looked up ... and started singing. She called out "ma ma". I stopped singing, and looked down again. Again she said, "Sing ... Rainbow." Then I calmly said, "It's hard for me to sing when you call for 'Ma ma'." She then looked into my eyes, and said "No ... sing ... rainbow." I sang again, and this time she looked into my eyes, and listened for a long time before calling out very quietly now "Ma ma". Later as I sat with her, holding her hand, a nurse came by, and held her other hand, the patient looked her in the eye, and gently said "Rainbow".
Irene, thank you for kind thoughts and contributing to our community. The world is very blessed with your presence.
Absolutely Debra, stopping and listening is the practice. Thank you.
Greg I really appreciate you putting this into the focus of non verbal communication Having the opportunity to move from verbal dialogue into the deeper levels of communicating is such a blessing. The intimacy I find in the silence is so grounding. This is what I feel when I read your sharing. It must have felt so grounding for your patient to feel connected through your eyes. How beautiful that you could hold sacred space for him. Such a kind gift for both of you.
Just takes a moment to stop, listen and act. Thank you.
Irene,
That was beautiful...clearly your experience in serving others gave you the awareness to come to her side so that you could comfort her as compassionate human being.
I recently had a patient who died. The last time I saw him, after visiting him weekly for a couple of years, his eyes locked to mine for the entire visit. Normally, he would make eye contact for short periods of time but this time he wouldn't let his eyes leave mine for almost an hour...he died one day later. Quite an extraordinary experience for me as I really felt that was his way of saying good-bye because he could not speak.
I never ceased to be amazed at the level of human connection that is achieved without speaking to patients. In both the situations you described, it was simply being there with patients where they are and accompanying them with comfort measures.
I think massage therapists are especially attuned to the non-verbal ways of connecting.
Thank you for sharing your experience. Very touching for me.
Hope you are well.
Blessings,
Greg