Being With Family
Margaret was in the final days of her life and each visit was a gift for both of us. Although Margaret was wide eyed and interested in my presence, I felt like this would be our last visit. Her breathing was calm and even and she kept her eyes open throughout the session.
When I left I thanked her for her receptivity and for the opportunity to express such tenderness. I stroked her forehead and held the side of her face for a moment. It felt complete when I left.
Two days later on my regular scheduled day to see Margaret I called the nursing home. The wellness co ordinator told me Margaret was actively dying and her daughter had asked if I would come. I said yes.
When I arrived Lauren and her husband were in the room with Margaret. Margaret’s breathing was fast as if she were going up hill. Lauren explained that the hospice nurse had come by and told her Margaret would probably die that evening and gave Margaret pain medication to ease the difficult breathing.
Lauren expressed gratitude for my presence and said she trusted me to do whatever I thought was appropriate.
Although Margaret’s breathing was fast it wasn’t labored or anxious. Margaret seemed peaceful; no anxiety. Her face was open and unfurled. I didn’t want to interfere. I sat by the bed, spoke softly and gently and touched Margaret’s arms, hands and legs. It felt perfect to just gently touch.
Lauren sat by the head of the bed and I sat at the foot. She observed and commented on the tenderness and closeness of the relationship. Lauren also touched her mother and spoke to how peaceful her mother seemed.
After a few minutes I offered Lauren a neck and shoulder massage and she accepted. Lauren sat by the bed touching her mom while I gave her a massage. I talked with Lauren’s husband throughout the session. The room began to settle.
Lauren asked about the process of dying ; what to expect, and about the breathing. I was glad to be able to respond with basic information that she had not been told.
Before leaving the room I made the suggestion that Lauren stay the night; to just relax as much as possible and stay by her mother’s side. I also showed her how to swab her mother’s mouth and dab her lips with water.
This practical bit of information gave Lauren some insight of how to care for her mom on that last night; how to stay connected. It seemed grounding for both of us.
As I left the room I expressed my gratitude for the years of experience with hospice that allowed me to share in this sacred time with a daughter supporting her mother through the dying process.
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