Helplessness

[Irene Smith]

This week during a nursing home clinical practice, a student was faced with a day of complete helplessness.The first client was in severe pain when we went into the room, and in pain when we left the room.The second client was very open for touch for the first 10 minutes and then transitioned into a second personality; becoming paranoid, confused, and agitated at everything around her. The client was left agitated and confused.In both situations; however, the clients experienced moments of pleasure and obvious intimate contact.In the first client’s room the client was completely engaged for 45 minutes, holding the student’s hand periodically, and gazing into her eyes. The client animated pain quietly through facial expression, and expressed verbal gratitude for the company and the touch.What greater gift can we take to the bedside than the gift of sharing the pain and witnessing the suffering of another human being.However, as a witness for a client who is experiencing pain and/or whose disease is progressing, I am confronted with the loss of control by my client and myself. There is no longer a separation in the helplessness. Living in a culture that teaches us to value ourselves according to what we can fix, change or correct, turns feelings of helplessness into embarrassment, low self-esteem, shame, and/or guilt.The first few years of this work when I felt unable to help a client, it was hard for me to sleep. I was depressed and anxious. The sense of failure and guilt struck deep. These were difficult feelings to have. They were overwhelming.Through allowing my feelings to be present, and through sharing them with people involved in the same work, I realize that the feeling of overwhelm comes from my fear of failure — my fear of being helpless.I don’t know if I’ll ever lose this fear, but knowing how it is triggered, and the rhythm in which it rises in me, allows me to integrate it into my consciousness. The fear of helplessness has become familiar to me. I don’t have to be overwhelmed by it.This process of integration expands my heart and deepens my awareness of compassion. Having compassion for myself, I may now receive my client more fully.I look forward to your sharing and questions.Blessings,Irene Smithwww.everflowing.org1.

[Kelly Keller]

I appreciate your posts - and it gets at what I think makes some hospice volunteers stop volunteering sooner than others. Culturally, we are taught that "time is money" and that we have to "be productive." Simply being witness to another person's struggle and not leaving isn't good enough... though I think your posts point to the fact that this way of being is actually at times the most heroic action. Sometime I think we add to a patient's pain by abandoning them because there is nothing we can do to make a Hollywood ending. It is times like these that we might have to question who we are doing this for - to be with them or to make ourselves feel good? Are people we encounter our projects or are they companions on the way who teach us?

Thank you, ladies - for your faithful and thought-provoking posts

Kelly Keller

[Frances Shani Parker]

Irene, this post reminds me of my first year teaching. My assignment was at an urban school located in a low-income housing project. I prefer these locations. I had a student who was making little progress in several areas, including discipline. I gave him a lot of my time beyond school hours, including visiting his home a few times. I was determined to make him a success story that year, and time was running out.

One day after school, I sat alone at my desk and felt the full weight of my “failure.” I thought the sky had fallen. I broke down and cried buckets. Finally, it dawned on me that I had done my best, but I still couldn’t “save” every single student that crossed my path. It was a defining moment that became part of my life philosophy: Do my best. That’s all I can do. If it still doesn’t work out, it isn’t my destiny.

This philosophy has saved me from a lot of stress regarding outcomes that don’t turn out my way. As long as I am convinced I am doing my best, I unfasten failure from myself. I settle into the satisfaction of knowing I am giving what I can. As you said, “I don’t have to be overwhelmed by it.”

Be love(d).

Frances Shani Parker
www.francesshaniparker.com