How 'bout a refresher?

[Kris Scanlon]

We all KNOW this information, but I wanted to share it again, just as a refresher. I received this in Hospice News Nebraska email from Nebraska Hospice and Palliative Care Partnership (NHPCP).INTERACTING WITH THE TERMINALLY ILLIn “Terminal Illness: Interacting With a Terminally Ill Loved One,” Mayo Clinic chaplain Mary E. Johnson “discusses what you might say to a loved one who has a terminal illness, how you might act around him or her, and how to deal with negative thoughts after your loved one dies.”Johnson poses a series of questions and then answers each question with suggestions for persons who have terminally ill loved ones.* Relationships with loved ones “usually don't change when people are faced with bad news,” she says. “It's important to build on the strengths of the relationship that were in place before the terminal illness came about.” She also encourages being open to possibilities, saying that some people find healing in relationships, and that this time of life can be very “rich.”* Loved ones should be loved ones and not counselors. They should let the patient know that they’re willing to listen, but should not try to force conversations. “Never underestimate the value of your presence,” she says. “Even if it feels as though you are not doing anything, being present sends the message, ‘I am here. I will not abandon you.’”* “Dying is not a science,” and the patient may not go through a “methodical process” of coping with death. It’s not helpful to try to “push” a terminally ill patient through pre-defined stages of death and dying.* If a loved one is in denial, he or she may be afraid of pain or loss of control. Johnson says that denial “has been described as a form of terror management,” and is “an important coping mechanism.” Talking with an outsider may help, as the patient may be trying to protect his or her family from such discussions.* One thing which can be done for the dying is to ask them to tell their life stories – “those marvelous stories that get told around the campfire.” Recording such conversations can be meaningful to families.* Keeping a vigil can be “a very sacred but very draining experience,” and the person doing so should take good care of himself or herself. If the vigil is too tiring or overwhelming, “consider getting a respite worker or a patient care assistant to help provide the physical care so that you can continue to be there emotionally for your loved one.”* People who are grieving should understand that “feelings of grief, loss and sadness come in waves. Emotions can feel overwhelming, making even simple tasks seem difficult for a time. This is all normal. It doesn't mean you're going to be unable to function for the rest of your life. It means that right now most of what you can do is grieve.” Grief is a kind of journey and those who find themselves stuck should consider getting help.* People who have lost loved ones are “especially vulnerable to guilt. Feeling guilt in the wake of a loss allows us to take an inventory of ourselves. Most of the time we'll come to some peace and the guilt will fade. You may need someone to talk to who can listen to you as you work through this part of grief.”The article also has a number of links to other articles on caring for your loved one at the end of life, hospice care, normal grieving, complicated grief, coping with reminders after a loss, survivors of suicide, and infant death.The article is on the Mayo Clinic website at www.mayoclinic.com/health/grief/CA00041.(Mayo Clinic Website, 4/4)