Ivan Ilyich suffered most of all from the lie, the lie which, for some reason, everyone accepted: that he was not dying but was simply ill, and that if he stayed calm and underwent treatment he could expect good results. Yet he knew that regardless of what was done, all he could expect was more agonizing suffering and death. And he was tortured by this lie, tortured by the fact that they refused to acknowledge what he and everyone else knew, that they wanted to lie about his horrible condition and to force him to become a party to that lie. This lie, a lie perpetrated on the eve of his death, a lie that was bound to degrade the awesome, solemn act of his dying to the level of their social calls, their draperies, and the sturgeon they ate for dinner, was an excruciating torture for Ivan Ilyich. And, oddly enough, many times when they were going through their acts with him he came within a hairbreadth of shouting: "Stop your lying! You and I know that I'm dying, so at least stop lying!" But he never had the courage to do it. He saw that the awesome, terrifying act of his dying had been degraded by those about him to the level of a chance unpleasantness, a bit of unseemly behavior (they reacted to him as they would to a man who emitted a foul odor on entering a drawing room); that it had been degraded by that very "propriety" to which he had devoted his entire life. He saw that no one pitied him because no one even cared to understand his situation.
This excerpt illustrates the complexity of the situation and how it can result in suffering for the person who is dying. While Ivan was a prominent court judge in his career, he still found it difficult to openly express his own frustration with the situation. Had he felt more supported by those around him, he likely would have felt more comfortable expressing why he was unhappy with others, which would have benefited him immensely at the end of his life. Creating a safe environment that permits open communication is so important.
Compassionate Caregiving Helps to Alleviate Suffering
Gerasim was the only one who did not lie; everything he did showed that he alone understood what was happening, saw no need to conceal it, and simply pitied his feeble, wasted master. Once, as Ivan Ilyich was sending him away, he came right out and said: "We all have to die someday, so why shouldn't I help you?" By this he meant that he did not find his work a burden because he was doing it for a dying man, and he hoped that someone would do the same for him when his time came. In addition to the lie, or owing to it, what tormented Ivan Ilyich most was that no one gave him the kind of compassion he craved. There were moments after long suffering when what he wanted most of all (shameful as it might be for him to admit) was to be pitied like a sick child. He wanted to be caressed, kissed, cried over, as sick children are caressed and comforted. He knew that he was an important functionary with a graying beard, and so this was impossible; yet all the same he longed for it. There was something approaching this in his relationship with Gerasim, and so the relationship was a comfort to him.
Ivan Ilyich wanted to cry, wanted to be caressed and cried over, yet his colleague Shebek, a member of the court, would come, and instead of crying and getting some affection, Ivan Ilyich would assume a serious, stern, profound expression and, by force of habit, offer his opinion about a decision by the Court of Appeals and stubbornly defend it. Nothing did so much to poison the last days of Ivan Ilyich's life as this falseness in himself and in those around him.
If you are in a situation where you have a friend or loved one who is going through their dying process, you may find our resources helpful. Visit the Hospice Volunteer Association website and our Hospice Community Forum. If you are dealing with the serious illness of a child, you will also find our Hannah's Friends website helpful.
Greg Schneider
Founder & President
Hospice Volunteer Association
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